Sunday, June 03, 2007

Viz., Loooooozer!

Dear Indigna,

I just saw a promo for a "reality" TV show called "Cash Cab." Apparently, in Manhattan, if you happen to get into the wrong taxi the driver might ask you an esoteric, recondite question and if you provide the wrong answer, you are put on the curb! What if you are in labor???


Dear self-described "Super,"

Lady, if you can't define "videlicet" and give its common abbreviation and etymology while in transitional labor, well (heh heh heh) you just aren't fit to have a child in Manhattan now are you? Hey, no one asked you to go for the big time! Now that you live here, you better buck up or back out!

Here's how it works here. If you aren't teaching your child ancient Greek in the womb via Babelophonics (my award-winning pre-partum language learning system), you can just kiss the 92nd Street Y preschool goodbye right now. And if your child isn't born speaking fluent Latin? Forget the Ivy League. I mean forever. Unless you teach your child how to "revise" a popular novel enough to get his or her own "coming-of-age novel" published, preferably by the age of eight. Or, if you want a shortcut, immediately sell your child into indentured servitude so as to create the background for a "stand-out" college essay.

At any rate, it sounds like you have work to do. Get off your ass! Otherwise your child will become a homeless grade-school drop-out with an apple-juice problem!!