Sub-Zero

Dear Indigna,

I have this super high-end refrigerator that is two years old. A few days ago I opened the door of the refrigerator and it fell off! I mean, the freaking refrigerator door simply disconnected itself from the body of the machine and fell into my arms, threatening, if I were to drop all 300 pounds of it, to crush my feet and/or those of any children who were unfortunate enough to be near me. The company promised my repair guy that they would overnight a new hinge (a recall item, if only they had bothered to tell me!) to my house. That was four days ago so far!

My question is, would I be in violation of any laws if I were to go to the home of the President of the company and throw all my rotted food at him as he leaves for work Monday morning? Also, can you help me find his home address, and the names of the schools his children attend?

Left Holding the Door
Cool, CA

Dear Left,

"Would I be in violation of any laws if I were to go to the home of the President of the company and throw all my rotted food at him as he leaves for work Monday morning?" No, of course not! Didn't you see my earlier posting, Forgive Us Our Trespasses? According to the legal analysis of my trustworthy correspondant, you're perfectly welcome to go anywhere in anybody's yard and vandalize it however you want, since yards are, according to his reading of the law, "open space." As long as you're outside the house, fire away with confidence!

"Can you help me find his home address, and the names of the schools his children attend?" Yes, I'll email that info to you as soon as you tell me this: what the hell did you have in the refrigerator door shelves to make it weigh 300 pounds?

Royal Crown Cokehead

Dear Indigna,

The White House is vigorously denying Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid's judgement that the current Iraq War is "the worst foreign policy mistake" the U.S. has ever made. I have just one simple question for you. If "Operation Iraqi Freedom" is not the "worst foreign policy mistake" ever, whatever could be?

Deeply Troubled
Wimauma, FL

Dear Troubled,

Boy, are you ever! First of all: What foreign policy mistake? How can you deny that the War Against Terror (or whatever) is the most successful foreign policy initiative ever?!? I mean, look at the figures. We "elect" a ticket comprised of two oil men. We then invade and occupy a large swath of the richest oil fields on earth. In short order, our oil companies are making the most obscene profits ever recorded in the history of capitalism! How, in any definition of the term, is that not success??

As for your question, I don't know if it counts as foreign policy but undoubtedly the worst policy mistake in the history of the U.S. is probably the institution of this stupid constitutional "democrat-style" government instead of a British-style hereditary monarchy or better yet, a colonial Empire. As everyone knows, even Napoleon, shackled with the misfortune of birth into only the "lesser" nobility, was able to crown himself Emperor in 1805 on the basis of no more than his staggering conquest of the world. Now that's the real American-style, pull-yerself-up-by-yer-privileged- bootstraps, anyone-can-become-a-emperor- given-enough- money-and-the-proper-education Horatio Alger story!

With George W. Bush we have a similar leader, likewise handicapped not by birth but by almost universal academic, military and business failure. Like Naploeon, he finds himself leading the most powerful nation in the world (in his case, with no qualifications other than his dynastic family and its immense wealth), and occupying a lot of real estate around the world through military invasion (though, to be fair, Napoleon actually led his troops into battle). Shouldn't we reward these awesome accomplishments with a crown? And he makes such a classic heir apparent! Who better to be our first Emperor than the undereducated, indolent, heavy gambling, half-retarded warmongering son of a former leader?

Everybody's Doin' It

Dear Indigna,

We all know that abstinence-only sex education is the best way to go, but I am struggling with a new study in Public Health Reports that suggests that everyone except me is having sex. I just don't understand this. Is it true? How can the best minds of our generation be pouring millions of dollars into an education program that does not seem to be working? Can't we do something to make people stop having sex?

Cherry Flower
Las Vegas, NV

Dear Cherry,

No, it is not true that "everyone else is doing it." Only the good-looking people are doing it. (And the unfortunate-looking who have settled for the looks-challenged. And ordinary people who happen to find someone who has similar unusual kinky perversions. And--well, okay, everybody except you.) The important point here is that the government is on the side of Right by teaching abstinence only, and those who choose to ignore that advice are doomed to wallow in a hellish existence of hot, sweaty, orgiastic fantasy and intense orgasmic pleasure night after night . . . after night . . . while . . . where was I going with this again?

But the point to keep in mind is this: while you are achieving top grades in all subjects, keeping an immaculate apartment and excelling at work, those other whores are staying up all night studying nothing but anatomy and making huge messes that will probably make them late for work. You obviously win.

Safest Place On Earth

Dear Indigna,

The Great State of Texas is on the verge of passing the most significant and longed-for piece of legislation ever conceived on American soil. I am speaking, of course, of the so-called "Stand Your Ground" bill that would allow anyone to "shoot first, ask questions later" whenever he or she felt "threatened," without fear of civil or criminal liability. Coupled with a concealed weapon permit, this bill would give a man (or formidable lady, like Barbara Bush) the confidence to deal with problems the way God meant them to be handled--with firepower!

No longer would man be forced to "retreat" when "threatened" with his daughter's game-winning soccer goal being overturned on a technicality--his son being denied a place on the starting varsity team--his wife charged with embezzlement from the school boosters' club. A man could protect his neighborhood from the threat of racial or religious integration or worse, gentrification (and you know what kind of "guys" do "gentrification")! I don't know about you, but I even feel threatened by my next-door neighbor, who might be a Democrat or at the very least threatens to let his tree drop dangerous leaves onto my driveway. Let's nip that in the bud, at least! Please support us Texans in getting this kind of legislation passed as a federal law so everybody in the nation will have this important right, which is already included in the Second Amendment but politicians are too pussy to enforce it. I mean, what is a "militia" but a buncha guys trying to protect their neighborhood?

Trigger Happy
Gun Barrel City, TX

Dear Trigger,

Wasn't that the name of the Roy Rogers' horse? Just asking. No threat intended. Seriously, man. Don't shoot me. Please don't shoot me. I really wish I hadn't said that.

Anyhow, I'm on your side! Aren't there already a bunch of states that already have this kind of law? Like, Florida. Look at its success there! As far as I know, so far only one child has been killed while caught in the crossfire of her feuding neighbors, both of whom are safe from prosecution since they both claim self-defense. That's in a state of, what, some 17 million? Sounds like the safest place on earth. "Stand Your Ground" law, liberal concealed weapon permit law, safest place--coincidence??? I think not.

Entitlement

Dear Indigna,

Some guy is suing IBM for five million dollars because he was fired for hanging out (no pun intended) in sex chat rooms during work. His defense? The Americans with Disabilities Act. He claims that his trauma nearly thirty years ago during the Vietnam War "caused him to become a sex addict, and with the development of the Internet, an Internet addict." He contends that his employer needs to allow him to . . . well, I hate to imagine (I mean, I really hate to imagine) what he expects his employer to pay him to do during his workday. He's also alleging age discrimination since he is 55 years old.

Your thoughts?

Upstanding Taxpayer
Straight, OK

Dear Taxpayer,

This is an easy one. Puh-lease! I cannot imagine that anyone who fought in any war, not in the least Vietnam, was not traumatized by the experience. We should reward ALL vets for their very real sacrifice.

This plaintiff argues that an appropriate reward is all-day porn chats on IBM's dime. Well, why the hell not? The plaintiff guy is over 55 years old! How can he possibly be gettin' any? That fact, in itself, should expand the plaintiff pool to class-action status. I imagine the vast majority of AARP-aged veterans are also not gettin' any. Shouldn't employers (or even the government) be obligated to compensate them to hang (no pun intended) at www.cyberfuck.com or whatever for hours each day? I mean, unless these older guys are billionaires (viz. J. Howard Marshall/Anna Nicole Smith) they are totally not going to be attractive to hot, nubile young strippers other than in cyberspace. Don't employers, indeed our entire country, owe our vets--at the very least!--fully-subsidized Internet porn for life?

In Other Words

Dear Indigna,

A Newberry Award-winning children's book, "The Higher Power of Lucky," apparently flaunts the word "scrotum" on its very first page (referring to the location of a dog's snakebite). Should my child's school join so many others in banning, perhaps burning, this book?

No Fan of the "First"
Blue Ball, AR

Dear Fan,

Of course! What, are you nuts? (No pun intended.) Obviously, children must be protected at all costs, for as long as possible, from knowing the so-called "technical" names for the naughty bits of their anatomy. If banning or burning the book is too difficult to accomplish, the simplest way to remedy this situation is simply to White-Out™ the offending word and replace it with something more acceptable, something you would not be horrified to hear coming out of your child's mouth. As alternatives may I suggest ball-sack, family jewels, teabags, giggle berries, hairy danglers, jawbreakers, jizz generators, love spuds, guards of the ass fort, spunk pumps and the like. This goes for girls, too! I mean, who could tolerate her fourth-grader calling her hoo-hoo a "vagina" when she could be taught to call it more seemly and prim euphemisms, such as muff, bearded clam, fish taco, hair pie, meat curtains or pink taco?