Fashion

Dear Indigna,

I recently saw the headline "[Fashion] Week to end with auction for Darfur" over this sketch of a "corset dress" by Peter Som.

Is there some sort of connection? Why does the model in the sketch need a corset? Should I be wearing a corset?

Size 00
Boneville, GA

Dear Bones,

Should you be wearing a corset? Should you be wearing a corset?? Well, duh!! If you wear size 00 that means your skin is outlining your bones and guts. Your internal organs and ribs are lumpy girlfriend! No one wants to see them hanging out.

Now, as we understand, most Darfur people don't have a lot of disposable income, but what they do have, they apparently spend on food. I think this is a colossal mistake. They would be much better served by bringing a little beauty and aesthetics into their lives--by investing in corsets! Have you even seen those photos of those protruding bellies? Ewww! Reminds me of those disgusting photos from Biafra in the seventies!

Tastefulness

Dear Indigna,

Apparently the City of Miami is planning a huge city-sponsored, taxpayer-funded party in the Orange Bowl, lasting up to a full week, to celebrate when Fidel Castro passes away. The deathday bash will feature bands, dancing, speeches, media coverage, and, of course, alcohol poisoning incidents. Is this really in the best of taste? I mean, a human being will have died!

Marielito
Little Havana, Miami

Dear Marielito,

Of course it is! Everyone on earth will be thrilled beyond all reason when Castro kicks the ol' hammer and sickle, except, of course, maybe a lot of Cubans still on the island, who compare his death to that of a "father," since he is "the only leader most of them have ever known" (plus they seem to be inordinately fond of their free education to the graduate level and free world-class health care--what fools those underpaid doctors be!!). Also maybe some South Americans will mourn him, but only because they're communists or, at the very least, not members of the "Coalition of the Willing." Pussies!! It's abundantly obvious to everyone on earth who lives in the exiled Cuban community that the instant Castro's heart monitor starts to flatline the entire island will erupt into spontaneous democracy and a free market economy! And if they don't, we've got plenty of firepower to show them how to do it "Iraqi-style"!

Plus, have you ever been to Miami? I mean, that place don't need no excuse to par-tay! What better way to celebrate the death of someone you don't like than random weapons fire, drunken looting, and the inevitable "accidental" neighborhood arson that gets out of control? Those Cubans have no idea what a treat they have coming for them when they arrive on our shores! They will undoubtedly be greeted, much as we have always greeted Spanish-speaking immigrants from south of our borders, by the open (small-)arms of the INS.

Synergy

Dear Indigna,

Today I saw the following headline in my local small-town newspaper: "Hiker Mauled by Mountain Lion Moved to San Francisco."

Why on earth would the authorities deliberately transport such a dangerous wild animal to an urban area and then, apparently, let it go free to roam and "maul" at will?

Keeping Indoors
East Bay, CA

Dear Indoors,

Yahoos like you just make my job so easy. Consider the facts. Mountain lion habitat is rapidly shrinking as the suburbs increasingly sprawl into previously wilderness areas. These majestic animals are tremendously stressed by intensifying competition for territory, skyrocketing nighttime light pollution, and people taking potshots at them because the humans were so stupid as to leave their small, furry mammals outside at night to be hunted--hellooooo?

The mountain lion is a treasured part of California lore and legend, history and habitat, and soon, lunch and lifestyle. You see, San Francisco, like many large cities, has a gigantic, forest-like park, bordering the gentrifying Haight-Ashbury area. The Golden Gate Park has precious few natural predators and has thus, in the last forty years or so, become overrun with non-native mammals that are, according to a news report I heard on NPR just this morning, destroying the formerly endangered native commercial district that has only recently begun to recover.

What a perfect solution to both problems! This very cost-effective program will simultaneously help the mountain lions by providing them with a suitable hunting ground well-stocked with prey, most of it easily caught while "sleeping it off," and at the same time help curtail the homeless problem in Golden Gate Park! If this pilot program is successful, expect to see it rolled out to urban areas across the country. Now if that isn't synergy I don't know what is!