Where's W'Indigna?

Dear Indigna,

Where the hell have you been? You haven't posted in, like, a week! Fucking slacker.

Bored
Boring, MD

Dear Bore,

Because I bungled the proper salute at an appearance by President Bush, he personally gifted me with an all-expenses-paid "adventure" vacation in Cuba, complete with all the so-called "Geneva-free" activities such as being drenched with cold water and beaten while a guy wearing a mask screamed, "What's the frequency, Kenneth?"

Friends

Dear Indigna,

Once again, a person I thought was my friend has betrayed, insulted, and dumped me. Why do I keep attracting such toxic people?

Stumped
Sapp, FL

Dear Chump,

This one is easy. You keep getting your face slapped because you are a loser. I mean, basically, fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me. You obviously put off a loser vibe and it’s like magnetic to non-loser people, who then feel compelled to “make friends with” (as if!) and then hurt losers. You see, the non-losers know that they can do way, way better than you so they need to let you know that, preferably in the most public, humiliating, and definitive way possible, so that you will stop bothering them already! So please, in the future, leave us non-losers alone and stick with your own kind. You’ll probably find some in the alley next to the dumpster.