Emigrados

Dear Indigna,

Dis fellow, Tan Nguyen, he's running for Congress, his opponent is dis woman Loretta Sanchez, he sent out a Spanish language flya to all da Latinos in his district telling dem dat emigrados ("immigrants") will be depo'ted or t'rown in prison if dey try to vote. Are naturaliz' citizens f'om Vietnam, like Tan, exemp' f'om dis dyah federal penalty? Are naturaliz' Austrians also exemp'?

Arnold S.
Sacramento, CA
amend4arnold.org

Dear Arnold,
C'mon. There are a number of perfectly legitimate responses to this vile accusation of voter intimidation.

• His campaign didn't send out the flyer
• Even if his campaign did send out the flyer, the candidate didn't know it was being done, and doesn't even know Spanish, so he can't be held accountable
• Even if he wrote the flyer personally, he's just looking out for the Latinos in his district. He wants to protect Spanish-speaking immigrants from the soul-deadening experience of voter disillusionment with the democratic process
  
• He's a citizen now, so he can oppose immigration just like Clarence Thomas and Thomas Sowell can diss Affirmative Action since they have both suffered through the leg-up it offered and don't want any other disadvantaged students to suffer the resultant dead-end jobs like Supreme Court Justice (no path to advancement) or think tank analyst (writing "position papers" and "columns" no one reads for a measly high six figures).

The thing is, all these excuses fail to diagnose the real reason this whole controversy has occurred. It's all because this poor fellow had the misfortune to study postmodern critical theory. He made the colossal error of enrolling in a graduate level course very shortly after arriving in this country, when his English was still extremely sketchy. Hence, he absorbed the notion that words can become unhinged from their meaning, kind of like free-radicals floating around in your body giving you all kinds of degenerative ills associated with aging. (In a similar vein, Freud's famous essay, "Negation," opines that, loosely stated, no means yes.) But he unfortunately applied that theory to producing political flyers written in a language he claims he does not understand, in the mistaken belief that he could, all linguists to the contrary, unilaterally determine that the "correct" translation of a word in this foreign language (like "emigrado") is something entirely new that has never been considered by speakers of said language (does not refer to "naturalized immigrants").

I blame his thesis advisor.

I'd Like to Teach the World to Sue

Dear Indigna,

What kind of sentence should be handed down to those idiots who stole product samples from their employer, Coca-Cola, and tried to sell them to Pepsi?

No Dumb Cokehead
Hot Coffee, MS

Dear Cokehead,

This is the most outrageous thing I've ever heard. Listen, these guys were just trying to fulfill their employer's desire to "buy the world a Coke" (in exchange for a nominal "honorarium" to cover expenses, such as attorney's fees, in the amount of $2 million). What, now they're saying, "I'd like to buy everyone in the world a Coke except those guys at Pepsi"?? That's just mean.

Tactics

Dear Indigna,

We ran a test campaign to get Democommie Jerry Brown, who is running for California Attorney General, disqualified on a dubious technicality. Although we failed in Californorthkorea, we plan to roll out this tactic nationwide immediately. Our operatives are already filing suit in every single contested campaign, no matter how local, attempting to disqualify the Democrackhead candidate for whatever reason our lawyers can come up with. After studying at the feet of the master (Karl Rove), not to mention remembering our fraternity days, we feel confident that simply muscling through to have our way will result in … well, our having our way. Doncha think?

Coalition of Contested Congressmen (and Senators)
Washington, D.C.

Dear Republicraps,

No.

Big Ugly

Dear Indigna,

The Republican running against Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton's (D-NY) for her Senate seat has said that she's had "millions of dollars" of plastic surgery to correct terminal hideousness at a younger age. Should she be disqualified from the race?

American Beauty
Big Ugly, WV

Dear Beauty,

Of course! The only thing that more clearly disqualifies a woman for high public office than irreparable ugliness is the rumor, whether true or not, that she has had "work" done to improve her looks. As for Senator Clinton, just look at the photographic evidence.

Here's a picture of her in high school. Whaaaaa? Who could recognize her as the same person? For one thing, she's obviously gone under the knife (or at least scissors) to shorten her hair! And she's clearly only black and white. When did she burst into photographic color?

Here's another picture of her, probably in college or law school (in the upper right-hand corner), with Bill Clinton, who is clearly her "looks superior." Why on earth would he tap that? And you can't even recognize the future "Senator Clinton" in that woman!

Finally, if you examine this image, you'll see that at some point in her life she wore glasses. Now she doesn't. Clearly, she either wears prostheses (contact lenses) or has had surgery (Lasik). Now, in my book, that's cheating, lady!

Let's elect a real, unretouched woman this fall--like Pamela Anderson!

Nekkid

Dear Indigna,

Was former Rep. Mark Foley (R-Fla.) molested by that priest, Father Mercieca, or not?

Innocent Until Proven Guilty
Name Withheld, Gozo, Malta

Dear Father Mercieca's Roommate,

Of course not. It's all a simple misunderstanding. What's wrong with a 30-year-old man taking nude saunas with a 13-year-old boy under his protection? You ever seen a clothed person in a sauna? Furthermore, all 13-year-olds go skinny-dipping in lakes; thank heavens young Foley's priest was with him to keep the creeps away! As for the massages--how can you massage someone unless they're au naturel? Can't be done. Of course, these massages must have taken place in a hotel room (travelling is so stressful), thus explaining why the adolescent Foley and his priest were starkers together in a hotel room.

Oh, like you were never massaged by a nekkid person!

This poor priest deserves our utmost respect and compassion. After all, he has suffered from periods of heavy drug and alcohol use which render his memory of contemporaneous events related to certain encounters with young Foley rather fuzzy, so of course it's likely that disgraced Rep. Foley would claim that he "didn't like" what happened during these he-said/he-said blackout periods, since the former Rep. is now unemployed and clearly hoping to make nest-egg money off this sad little priest, who is reduced to living on the Maltese resort island of Gozo, where--whenever the occasional vacationer is present--he must listen to pathetic, rambling, and total buzz-kill confessions of pleasures he is sworn never to enjoy. Have pity, people!