Monday, May 28, 2007

Revisionist History

Dear Indigna,

I just read a book which said cavemen tamed and rode dinosaurs. It said scientists found ancient leather saddles in a cave in France. Is this true?

Confused Christian
Live Oak, FL

Dear Confused (I'd hate to call you a "Christian" given your doubts!),

Well, DUH! Perhaps someone who claims to be a Christian needs to visit the new Creation Museum in Petersburg, KY! (But please don't use the demeaning epithet "cavemen." We prefer to be called "humans.")

If humans and dinosaurs didn't coexist, how can this definitive museum prove that dinosaurs may be responsible for the Flood. Huh? Huh? Well, it's because "maybe dinosaurs had started killing other animals and humans," thus explaining why they got what they deserved!!

(BTW, this punishment of God for flesh-eating in no way means humans ought to stop eating the delicious carnivorous offerings of our devout brothers at In-N-Out Burger and Domino's Pizza.)

The Museum also shows that, at the time of the Flood, Noah obediantly took on two of each of the "fewer than 50 kinds of dinosaurs." Now, how do we know there were so few kinds? Well, "there are certainly hundreds of dinosaur names, but many of these were given to just a bit of bone or skeletons of the same dinosaur found in other countries. It is also reasonable to assume that different sizes, varieties, and sexes of the same kind of dinosaur have ended up with different names."

Leaving unanswered, as does the Museum, the question of why any animals other than carnivorous dinosaurs survived the Ark, why are there no longer any dinosaurs? Well, after the Flood subsided all the prey of those dinosaurs had been drowned (or eaten on the Ark, I guess). The museum folks also think it's possible that Noah and his clan went to all that trouble to preserve and pacify the dinos on the Ark in order to enjoy a little post-catastrophe sport. Nothing raises the spirits like hunting dinosaurs to extinction! Good times!

What about carbon-14 dating? Well, let's listen to what the Christian experts have to say about this ludicrous idea!
The rate of decay of 14C is such that half of an amount will convert back to 14N in 5,730 years (plus or minus 40 years). This is the ‘half-life.’ So, in two half-lives, or 11,460 years, only one-quarter will be left. Thus, if the amount of 14C relative to 12C in a sample is one-quarter of that in living organisms at present, then it has a theoretical age of 11,460 years. Anything over about 50,000 years old, should theoretically have no detectable 14C left. That is why radiocarbon dating cannot give millions of years. In fact, if a sample contains 14C, it is good evidence that it is not millions of years old.
Now that's some good Christian Mathematics! (I just wish they had explained how, if the Earth is 6,000 years old, anything could potentially be 11,460-50,000 years-old . . .)

Another misconception the good people of the Creation Museum clear up is the notion that "black people [are] the result of a curse on Ham" (one of the sons of Noah). As they explain, this is clearly nonsense spread by those heathens, the Mormons and Jehovah's Witnesses. Instead, a close reading of the proper translation of "the Bible seems to indicate, in Genesis 9:22, that when Ham was disrespectful to his father Noah, this involved some sort of sexual connotation." I'll say! Here's the passage in question [warning: contains graphic sexual innuendo and is inappropriate for anyone who expects to go to Heaven]:
And [Noah] drank of the wine and was drunk. And he was uncovered inside his tent. And Ham, the father of Canaan, saw the nakedness of his father, and told his two brothers outside.
Whew! Give me a cold shower! So there you have it. Skin color is the punishment for Ham's deeply hidden, cleverly elided homosexual incestuous impulses, as brilliantly discovered by these Christian scientists. [Indigna: Hey folks, I wish I were making this shit up. I really do.]

Finally, the Museum definitively answers a popular conundrum: if only the children of Adam and Eve existed, "who was Cain's wife?" Well, here's the solution. Since Adam and Eve were perfect, 'cuz God didn't make no junk until after the Fall, then the first children are also near-perfect, and could legitimately marry their siblings without fear of "genetic defects." It is only since the Fall (contrary to popular belief, this was clearly way after Eve had given birth to a buncha kids who could legitimately . . . you know . . . do each other) that people have become imperfect, more so with each generation, thus requiring the relatively new-fangled "incest taboo."

(Warning: any Museum visitor who is moved by this information to wonder if so-called Original Sin wasn't committed by Adam and Eve but actually by Cain and, you know, his sister? or something? will be escorted to the nearest exit by armed security.)

So there you are, "Christian"! Get thee to the Creation Museum and embrace its truths unquestioningly, and be quick about it before the Rapture vacuums up all your friends and family while you just stand there with nothing but your intellectual curiosity.


Dear Indigna,

Recently, President Bush insisted, all evidence to the contrary, that the majority of Americans support his war effort and that the overwhelming defeat of the Republican party last November for control of Congress simply indicated that the American people wanted "a change in our strategy in Iraq" rather than withdrawal. He calls the 63% of Americans who support troop withdrawal "a handful." What is he smoking, and where can I get some?

Stats Island, NY

Dear Unrealist,

Oh come on! We all know that so-called "math" isn't the President's strong suit! Sixty-three, schmixty-three! He clearly understands that an even larger percentage of Americans -- maybe as many as ninety percent! -- actually favor his policy of killing more Iraqis. As I understand it, ninety is more than sixty-three, and President Bush has issued an Executive Order determining that the definition of "a handful" is "anything less than ninety percent." Thus, sixty-three percent is, like, a tiny handful!

Furthermore, we all know that Father Knows Best, and President Bush's strong suit clearly is as a Father, as evidenced by the fine behavior of his perfect daughters. So, as every parent knows, when the American people (i.e., adolescent children in W.'s mind) say, "we hate what you're doing," that just means you're doing the right thing! "Vote my people out, will you?" Bush thinks. "Just for that, you'll get another year of time out (i.e., tour extension)!"