Thursday, May 04, 2006

Free Tickets

Dear Indigna,

Today one of my friends asked me if I would be interested in two tickets she had to hear a political speaker. She claimed she and her husband had bought season tickets to this speakers’ series and couldn’t attend that evening. I demurred, as I had no babysitter and my husband could not possibly be home in time. Yet she insisted in her attempts to persuade me to go, flattering me that I, among all her acquaintance, would enjoy the evening the most. She even suggested I could take the children by using the tickets of one of her cohorts.

Why was she so insistent?

Wrongly Suspicious?
Davenport, IA

Dear “Wrong,”

And so you are. Wrong, wrong, wrong! Suspicion has nothing to do with this. It’s all certainty. One of six possible scenarios is involved:

  1. She planned to have you assassinated at the speech. Does she hate you?

  2. She planned to have you fingered for an assassination. Does she hate you?

  3. She needed you to establish as an alibi that she was at the speech during [insert crime of your choice here]. Do you resemble her, and if not, does she hate you?

  4. She is involved in a terrorist plot that would implicate you, were you at the speech. Does she hate you?

  5. She was pimping you to her husband, who was actually planning to attend. Does she hate him?

  6. Least likely of all, she couldn’t use the tix and wanted someone to have the use of them. Yeah, as if!! Only creepy suspicious persons would do such a thing. Does she hate you?

Long story short, go into hiding until you can manage to have either the CIA, FBI and/or the Mafia pick her up and find out what her exact motives were, provided she survives the interrogation.

Wednesday, May 03, 2006

Game Show

Dear Indigna,

Here's something that has aroused my indignation, and maybe yours as well: the wild popularity of the prime-time NBC game show, "Deal or No Deal" (MWF, 8-9 p.m.). Last week my parents drugged me and forced me to watch it (twice). It was remarkably unpleasant, even for the genre. It is a game of pure chance, every bit as exciting as watching repeated flips of a coin. I don't see how so many millions of people can possibly find it so intriguing. There must be something else going on here (mind control, e.g.). Please alert America.

Live Oak, FL

Dear Boberrrrt,

Have you been in a coma for the last 23 years? Hellooooo???? Videodrome???? That was just the beta testing to see if people would swallow the idea of “mind control” via media. Then there was the truancy-inducing real-time broadcast of the “first” Gulf War, the titillating “must-see” coverage of the Clarence Thomas/Anita Hill hearings, the interminable yet mesmerizing O.J. Simpson low-speed car chase, the “you are there” embedded reportage of the first few months of so-called “Operation Iraqi Freedom,” etc. Although we viewers did not realize it, that period of broadcast history--especially the risky test-marketing of "war as entertainment"--was simply our “training” for worshipful obeisance to our electronic masters. Those shows were, in fact, just window-dressing to mask the real objectives: the "election" of George W. Bush in 2000 (as well as his re-election in 2004, both filmed on a sound stage in Burbank), the otherwise incomprehensible war in Iraq (aka "Gulf War II: Mission Accomplished"), and now the trash talk towards Iran (working title "Gulf War III: Armageddon"). See, the theory is, if we're all glued to "American Idol" we won't even notice what's happening in the lower-rated "real world." However, now that our eyes have been opened to the “media as weapon” mind control ploy, we can defend ourselves against “videodromism.” I could say more, but “Deal or No Deal” is on.

Sex Education

Dear Indigna,

I just learned that a number of states have already passed or are considering mandates that schools begin AIDS education in kindergarten. In New York, for example, the regulation would require that “By the fourth grade, pupils would be taught that the virus can be transmitted, in the language of the department's guide, by ‘sexual intercourse with an infected partner without proper use of a condom’” because ''children must learn how to protect themselves and others from this infection.'' AIDS will be taught alongside “measles, chicken pox and other childhood diseases.”

Won’t this just make the kids want to have sex, or think it is normal for fourth graders to be sexually active?

Hog Waller, TN

Dear Shocked,

It is clear you must have spent the last thirty years in an Amish community. Everybody knows that 6 is the new 18, so we have to treat kindergartners as the hip, mature, sophisticated beings that they now are. At the kindergarten stage, AIDS education is limited to discussion of the theories of transmission, including Senator Bill Frist’s belief that you can get it from tears, saliva, sweat, toilet seats, hot tubs, holding hands, etc. Although scientists are pretty much unanimous that none of these vectors transmits AIDS, the schools are careful to present “all theories” of transmission so that the kids can decide for themselves what to believe. AIDS victims will also be compared and contrasted with sufferers of “measles, chicken pox, and other childhood diseases” so that the students can have a lively debate about whom they are more afraid to be seated next to on the bus.

As there is no chance a kindergartner can get pregnant, contraception is not taught until 4th grade, when obviously the children will have reached full sexual maturity. One goal of the program is to de-stigmatize AIDS to the point that those who are HIV-positive are treated no differently from those with “measles, chicken pox, and other childhood diseases.” The main goal, of course, is to prevent any of our children from contracting HIV, so a rich variety of “safe sex” options will be discussed, demonstrated, and rated on a scale of 1-10, with 10 being the hottest, by professionals who will be invited to speak and/or perform. By the end of the year the “experimenters,” “sluts,” and “studs” in the class should have the tools they need to have a super-duper social life with very low risk of infection.

Monday, May 01, 2006


Dear Indigna,

California Assemblyman Ray Haynes (R-Temecula) proposes that those convicted of drunk driving be forced to sport a special “scarlet” license plate on their car for the rest of their lives. Now, I’m all for public humiliation, but wouldn’t this law result in some poor dumb teenager having to show up at his date’s house with “drunk driver” branded on his dad’s car?

Also, I understand that some states have tossed breathalyzer test evidence at DUI trials because the Intoxilyzer's manufacturer “refused to reveal the source code for its machine because it was a trade secret,” thus denying the defendants the ability to challenge the “accuracy” of the results. My brother wants me to ask you, “Aza pub(hic)lic servish, c’d y’ lisht dem shtaa’s fer ush?”

Miami, FL

Dear Whatever,

The information your brother seeks should be widely available on the Internet, but exercise caution as I’m afraid if we overuse the tactic it will be made illegal unless the local politicians like a wee drop themselves. And remember, since only those convicted must bear the scarlet letters, simply make sure all your bacchanalian road trips are in states that buy the “source code” defense. BTW, if you have teenagers, never underestimate the disciplinary value of a car with red plates.


Dear Indigna,

The brutal leech I made the mistake of marrying recently left me. Understand that during our marriage I idolized this monster, hanging upon his every word, smothering him with kisses and embraces constantly, even at the office, in public, during parent-teacher conferences, etc. I even had little shrines to him set up in our home and at my workplace, at which I would daily place “offerings” of chocolates, Sports Illustrated magazines, and sex toys. Despite this worshipful treatment, he left me. Since then he has been stalking me, calling to ask “if I’m all right,” which is obviously him asking me to “confess” to him for absolution, or “need any money,” which clearly is a reverse psychology ploy to get me to tithe to him, or something. He even shows up outside our house to take the kids to school or baseball games or movies on certain days and times, and sometimes even disappears with them for a weekend at a time. What should I do???

Frantic Devotee
Goofy Ridge, IL

Dear Frantic,

Find someone who will idolize and hang upon him as you once did, paying her if you must. When he dumps her in turn, make sure she continues to stalk him the rest of his life, just as he has yours. Vengeance is a dish best served in spades.

Sunday, April 30, 2006


Dear Indigna,

My 50th birthday is tomorrow, and as we are on an exceptionally tight budget I asked my husband if, for my gift, he and my children would relieve me for the day of my usual household tasks, which, as a homemaker, I am responsible for seven days a week, 365 days a year, including Christmas and Thanksgiving. I am asking nothing more of them than cleaning up after meals, picking up the den, and folding laundry (I’ve already washed the clothes beforehand). He said no, he had too much to do. Am I justified in feeling somewhat, just the tiniest bit, unappreciated?

His Girl
Danville, CA

Dear His (at 50, you are certainly not a “Girl”!!!),

Absolutely not! Here you are, with a husband who is still married to you, and children who still live with you and even speak to you! Jeez Louise, you’re luckier than 90% (at least!) of the folks who write to me! I hope you lick the floors clean with your tongue and clean the grout with your fingernails, if that’s what it takes to keep yer man. Next time you even dream of not cleaning up the kitchen, folding the laundry, or picking up the den, motivate yourself by imagining the nubile twenty-year-old who would willingly do it, and much, much more--stuff that would nauseate you--never imagining what her life will be like twenty or thirty years hence.