Neurosurgeon

Dear Indigna,

I read the most awful story in the news today! It seems some neurosurgeon showed up for a surgery, drunk off his ass, and went all postal because he didn’t want to wait for the instruments to be sterilized! Naturally, the doctor was immediately suspended. Isn’t that the most awful thing you’ve ever heard?

Horrified
Des Plaines, ID

Dear “Ho,”

Absolutely!! C’mon, the guy made one little mistake! Neurosurgeons are people too, you know! And now that poor, poor doctor has been deprived of his livelihood. I mean, why should it take two hours to sterilize instruments? The guy apparently had an ample supply of alcohol right there; what’s wrong with letting him just dip his scalpels as he goes? In my opinion, either the intended patient, the guy who suspended him, and/or the hospital are both morally and legally obligated to pay the neurosurgeon his fee – no cheating with insurance!

Motorist

Dear Indigna,

Today in a parking lot some “seasoned” driver pulled just a few inches too far into my space to allow me to back out. As I waited for him to move, not only did the person next to me pull out of her space (the one I thought he was waiting for), but another person pulled into the space, shopped at the grocery store, and pulled out again before I managed to use her space to back around his car and escape! Is there anything I could have done differently in this situation? I feel like a chump for just sitting there with my car running, in reverse, waiting for a guy who turned out to have suffered a sudden fatal heart attack to move his car.

Peeved,
Newark, NJ

Dear Peeved,

My answer depends on what kind of car you have and what kind of car was blocking you. Could you have backed into the offending vehicle, shoving it out of the way, without damaging your own vehicle? In the alternative, perhaps if it were a case of Mini Cooper vs. jacked-up Ford F250, you could have simply backed your car out underneath the fellow’s “car” and been on your way, a scenario which would substantially decrease my sympathy for you. In either case, I think you had alternatives to the thumb-up-your-ass option that you chose.

Resort Wedding

Dear Indigna,

I am to be married soon, and I already have a conflict with my potential in-laws. We plan to be married within only a few months of our engagement as we have very little money to spend on the wedding so it will be a simple affair with only family in attendance. Please bear in mind that I have not even planned to purchase a wedding gown! Well, imagine my surprise when I announced my engagement to my fiancé’s family and his sister-in-law immediately told all the young girls in the family, “Isn’t that exciting? You’re all going to be flower girls or bridesmaids!” I hadn’t planned on any attendants of any kind since we planned to be married in a simple justice-of-the-peace ceremony at our favorite naturist resort. How do I tell the little girls that they are not, legally, even allowed on the premises?

Exasperated
Nudie Cutie City, NV

Dear “Ex-,”

Well, that is what you’re going to be if you persist in your stuffy attitudes about who gets to plan your wedding! Are you are you actually telling me that you plan to Thwart. Those. Little. Girls’. Dreams. of being flower girls or bridesmaids?? Who “ex”actly do you think you are? Now, what is the objection to including the little darlings? So they’re minors. Surely the wedding venue will make some sort of allowance in their age requirements for such a momentous occasion. Is there any issue of unnaturally early pubic hair, budding breasts, unwarranted modesty or pre-teen pregnancy to make these innocent children an embarrassment to you? Well boo hoo hoo. We’ve all been there. Get over it. The children want to participate, and your planned wedding will be a magical day that they will never forget. If your chosen venue won’t accommodate your nieces and granddaughters, find a nudist resort that will. ‘Nuff said.