Tuesday, October 03, 2006


Dear Indigna,

My teenage children have expressed interest in attending a screening of the new movie, "Employee of the Month." This is my local newspaper's plot synopsis in its entirety:

'"EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH" (PG-13): At a warehouse superstore, a date with the hottest girl on staff (Jessica Simpson) is offered up as a bribe to induce the two biggest slackers (Dane Cook, Dax Shepard) to vie for the title of employee of the month.'

Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't this film sound just a teeny weeny bit like it encourages, I don't know, perhaps a "degrading" attitude toward women which I would not want my teen boys to adopt? However, my children, their friends, and (per those friends) all the friends' parents think I am grotesquely out of touch with society and have threatened to call Child Protective Services and have me committed to a Home if I do not let them see this entertainment. What should I do?

Don't Want to Live in a Home
Defeated, TN

Dear "Homer,"

If the well-known feminist icon Jessica Simpson is behind the idea, you know it is politically and morally correct. This sounds like a perfectly legitimate form of employee incentive program, and also serves to shut down any whining about "equal opportunity" and "wage parity" since none of the women employees is likely to vie for the honor, much less win it. In fact, it reminds me of a deliciously creative means hit upon by one of my former employers to improve company morale and offer a wealth of advancement opportunities to female employees--while at the same time raising capital! Here's how it worked: the senior executives offered to select women employees the opportunity to prove their commitment, industry and enthusiasm by stripping down, oiling up, and wrestling each other in a jello pit on Pay-Per-View. This marketing program never failed to catapult the company into the black!

Monday, October 02, 2006

The Harder the Falls

Dear Indigna,

I have a very serious situation and I don't know who to turn to. We recently found out, much to our surprise, that our 15-year-old daughter is about 5- or 6-months pregnant. Upon taking her to an obstetrician, we also discovered that she is an HIV-positive IV-drug user. (For the record, my husband and I just thought she had a terrific shape and was a potential supermodel.) We're somewhat relieved that she has no idea who the father is, as that makes any decisions about what to do entirely between my husband and me. My concern is which is likely to do the least damage to her body and thus her future career as a supermodel: pregnancy or abortion. Sure, she's well into her second trimester and still isn't showing. Nevertheless, we have to believe that she will "show" at some point, and we have to worry about stretch marks! On the other hand, I have no idea what a late-second-trimester abortion is like or what the consequences to her figure might be. Please advise.

Victoria Falls
Niagara, NY

Dear "Victoria Falls,"

Surely you jest! "Victoria Falls"? Can that be your real name? Oh my God, give me a second to get control over my mirth. You, lady, have just made my day. Oh Lord. I need a tissue. I just can't stop! After I blot my "laugh-tears" and finish choking on my own hilarity, let me ask you a question. Why did your parents hate you so much?

Oh God, I need another second to pull myself together! Man, my laugh muscles are going to be sore tomorrow! Whew! "Victoria Falls." There, I made myself collapse again! Say, what's your daughter's name? "Wichita"? "Snoqualmie"? Surely not . . . "Niagara"? Oh shit, I just snorted milk out my nose!

Jesus, Joseph and Mary! Okay, I know I can pull myself together. There. I just have to avoid thinking about . . . "Miss Wichita Falls" . . .

Stop it. Just stop it. Okay, I'm good now. So, Mrs. I-Dare-Not-Repeat-The-Name-Lest-I- Perish-From-Merriment, thanks for the bit of drollery, what? Now, what was your question again? Oh, never mind. Let's move on to the next petitioner.