Totems

Dear Indigna,

Apparently the city of Livermore, CA is suffering from a curse placed on its sewage system 33 years ago by a disgruntled totem pole carver who didn’t like the treatment of the totem pole he gave the city for its centennial. The story is that the city cut off a three-foot section of the pole for some reason, but the curse proved its validity by backing up a sewer near a city councilman’s house, so the city restored the missing section. Nevertheless, the carver, Adam “Fortunate Eagle” Nordwall, still refuses to lift the curse because, although the city council passed a resolution formally apologizing to him in 1974, he never got an “official” copy of it.

The city is planning some major sewer upgrades and one of the councilmen is begging for another formal apology and “curse-lifting ceremony” because you sure don’t want to do construction on cursed sewer lines in a densely populated area! But these plans are being thwarted by a group whose ancestry includes members of the Alaskan Tlingit and Haida tribes who taught “Fortunate Eagle,” a Minnesota Chippewa, how to carve totem poles. These guys are up in arms because they don’t think “Eagle” gave one of their ancestors, master carver Charles Brown, proper credit. They also object to “Eagle’s” disrespectfully linking the totem pole with the sewer system, and finally, point out that curses don’t exist in Tlingit culture (although apparently they do in Chippewa culture).

Are those of us who are descended from the immigrants who so brutally almost destroyed Native American culture responsible for these people’s ridiculously needy insistence on illogical and trivial demonstrations of “respect”?

Non-Native American
Detroit, MI

Dear Non-Native,

There is a lot of interesting depth to this story. First of all, what tribe does the first councilman belong to? Wouldn’t it be funny if it wasn’t “Fortunate Eagle’s” curse but the curse of a tribe with a historical animosity towards the councilman’s family that was responsible for the sewer backup? And what about the second councilman? Maybe he is being thwarted by the Tlingit and Haida tribes because of a curse passed down to him from the first councilman, and it has nothing to do with “Fortunate Eagle”! “Eagle” might just be riding a wave of incredible coincidence and lucky breaks!

Now, I have to admit, I totally side with the Alaskans in this dispute. I mean, if one of my long-dead ancestors taught a member of a different group--a Republican, say--some piece of our native lore (for example, how to sing traditional songs like “Don’t Stop Thinkin’ About Tomorrow”) and then that person went on to sing that song without crediting my great-great-great uncle twice removed, and then further went on to vote for the death penalty, which doesn’t exist in my culture, I’d be outraged!

And I can think of no better way of expressing that outrage than by protesting the lifting of a curse (say, on a sewer system) that disrespects my culture.

P.S. I’ve gotta get in touch with “Fortunate Eagle” and learn how to apply that curse to my ex-husband’s house.

Home on the Range

Dear Indigna,

According to the National Rifle Association, the number of women who shoot guns for fun has skyrocketed in recent years. I understand some gun clubs even have “family nights.” Is this a frightening sign of our descent into a culture of survivalist violence or a wholesome component of the healthy nuclear family?

Unarmed and Worried
Windsor, Ontario

Dear Unarmed,

What kind of pinko wuss communist are you? Oh, I see you’re from Canada; that explains it. Here in America we can think of few activities more heartwarming than families getting together to kill things. I read a beautiful story about “family night” at the Martinez (CA) Gun Club that really sums it up: “Where else can toddlers waddle alongside fathers without flinching at the sound of nearby firearms popping into the night sky?” Where, indeed? All toddlers need to learn to wander fearlessly after dark among large numbers of people shooting things with live ammo. In fact, my daughter’s entire preschool class is coming to her third birthday party at our local gun club. Don’t tell, but her “big present” is going to be “My First Semi-Automatic Handgun,” which is an adorable glittery pink with tiny images of Barbie on the bullets, and comes with its own little purse so she can take it to school!

Profiling

Dear Indigna,

A grand jury is currently investigating the recent incident in which Representative Cynthia McKinney, D-Ga., smacked a Capitol Police officer who stopped her after she entered the Capitol Building without her identification pin and bypassing a security checkpoint. McKinney, a black woman, says she’s a victim of “racial profiling” and contends that the officer had no right to touch her shoulder, an act she considers “inappropriate touching.” What’s your take?

Uncertain Democrat
Atlanta, GA

Dear Uncertain,

She is absolutely correct that she was a victim of racial profiling. If a dead white man--George Washington, say, or William Shakespeare--had tried to enter the Capitol Building without identification, I’m sure that we would never even have heard about it. And as for the touching, any woman who is tapped on the shoulder by a police officer after evading security is certainly within her rights to consider it a “bad touch” (as we call it with our children) and should have the right to protect herself from the guy with any means necessary (pepper spray, handgun, briefcase to the face, etc.) to prevent further assault. For all she knew, he only wanted her to stop so he could steal her iPod or her concealed weapons, or worse!

I mean, why do they even have “Capitol Police” in the first place? I find that extremely suspicious. The Capitol Building has got to be one of the most boring places on the planet (have you ever seen C-SPAN?) so no sane person would enter it unless they absolutely, positively had to be there for purposes of legislation or bribery. I say the so-called “officer” was clearly up to no good!

So, long story short, McKinney in 2008!

Human Rights

Dear Indigna,

I see that the United States has declined to be a member of the U.N. Human Rights Council! Why on Earth would our government take such a position??

Flabbergasted
Washington, D.C.

Dear Flabbergasted,

It’s all part of the Bush administration’s push for animal rights. The thinking is that if we treat humans the way we treat animals, people will “get it” and support organizations like People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA). For example, people like to keep pets, i.e., imprison them without the right of habeas corpus. Hence, Guantanamo Bay and other “undisclosed” locations where humans are, likewise, kept as “pets.” The government also opposes animal testing, so it has instituted the practice of “torture” on certain select “pets,” or, as the administration calls it, “interrogation product development.” The strategy of increased taxation on the lowest earners of our society is an analog of “milking cows” or “shearing sheep.” Finally, most domestic animals have little or no privacy, even to the point of being monitored during that most intimate of daily rituals, the potty break. The NSA thinks its program to wiretap and monitor Americans without warrants should teach us a lesson about such surveillance! Being on the “Human Rights Council” would place us in the speciesist camp, wouldn’t it?

Sweets

Dear Indigna,

I understand that a number of communities are seeking to ban the sale of “marijuana-flavored candy.” They’re afraid it will lead kids to experiment with the real thing and other drugs. Look, this “candy,” which sounds disgusting by the way, is sold in liquor stores and “adult” businesses, where kids aren’t supposed to be in the first place. Secondly, it contains no THC or any psychoactive ingredients other than sugar; it is only “infused” with hemp flavor. Isn’t this Big Brother getting out of control?

My Candy, My Choice!
Chicago, IL

Dear Candy,

I have news for you. Any child who would voluntarily consume lollipops that taste like pot is already on drugs. Give it up.

And by the way, it has been proven scientifically (probably) that consumption of marijuana-flavored candy does indeed lead to harder stuff. It’s clearly a “gateway” sweet to such harder-core items as tobacco-flavored licorice, cocaine-tasting pixie sticks (to be snorted), essence-of-heroine injectable jelly beans and smokable gumdrops parfumé methamphetamine. If your kid comes home reeking of sugar, get him into detox immediately!

Class Act

Dear Indigna,

I have a serious beef with my so-called “best friend.”

It all started when my teenage niece came to live with us so she could finish high school in our top-rated district. We started having problems immediately. For example, she had this long hair, and I kept finding strands of it in the house. She had the brass balls to protest when I made her shave her head! As if that weren’t bad enough, she would not take out the garbage when I told her to! Sure, she’d take it out some time within 24 hours, but I’m sorry, that’s just not good enough. Plus, she was to clean her bathroom daily. Well, do you think she abided by my wishes? No, she did not! Sometimes Miss Priss would go 12-24 hours without sterilizing the place! And don’t get me started about her failure to follow the procedure I instructed her in. She totally “forgot” to use the toothbrush on the toilet nine times out of ten. We had a schedule posted in the kitchen showing exactly which of her 37 chores she was to perform at a specific time each day, so her failure to comply was clearly deliberate defiance.

Then we started having problems with her ingratitude. Sometimes I’d catch her talking to her mother on the phone! Well, who was paying for her phone bills? If she wanted to talk on the phone she should have called me. And then, for a writing assignment, she wrote a paper about how much she loved her mom! The paper didn’t even mention me or my husband! Well, if her mom was so great, how come she couldn't afford to live in a gated community and send her own kid to a decent school, like us? And then, sometimes when we wanted her to babysit at the last minute, which was the least she could do for us considering what we were doing for her, she would say she “had to work.” Work! For someone else! Just because they paid her! Did she give us that money? Not one dime! She spent it all on luxuries like a car, underwear, and getting that cavity filled.

Well, it should be no wonder that we kicked her out. Sure, it was only three weeks before high school graduation, but you make your bed and you lie in it. I thought I’d break it to her gently by carefully packing all her most precious possessions in black plastic trash bags and tossing them onto the lawn for her to find when she arrived home from her volunteer graveyard shift reading to terminally ill insomniac children at the hospital. Did she appreciate this? No, she did not! Instead, she left the house (well, I’d also changed the locks that day so technically she didn’t come inside) and called my “best friend,” who, without consulting me, came and picked her up, no questions asked, off the street, where my niece knows she’s not allowed to loiter at 3 a.m., outside the strangers’ house she had called from when she knows she’s not supposed to talk to strangers! I call that disloyal, but it gets worse.

The next day while my niece was at school my “friend” came over to “make nice” and “talk this out” and tell me how “valuable” my friendship was to her, and offer to let my niece stay at her house until graduation! As if I weren’t good enough to take care of my own niece! And when I asked her, if my niece were to stay with her, to report back to me on all the normal stuff, child’s phone calls, text messages, IM’s, emails, when she left the house, where she went, who she was with, when she returned, niece’s instances of defiance, what exact chores she accomplished vs. what she was assigned, details of how said chores were executed, etc. (I went to the trouble of having a form drawn up) my “friend” refused!

Well, that was just the end. I immediately canceled my niece’s insurance, placed an ad for the sale of her car (which I had locked in my garage while she was at school), submitted a bill for unpaid items (portion of utilities bills, fines for failure to execute chores in the prescribed manner, etc.) to my “friend,” and informed said “friend” that my family was to have no further contact whatsoever with either her or that hell-sent demon spawn of Satan and the Anti-
Christ (by gay adoption) she had taken into her home. Can you believe that my “friend” objected when I told her about the car? Who cares if the kid paid for it with her own money? I paid for her food, lodging, and the occasional pair of socks for two years!

My question is, what cause of action can I bring against that bitch (my “friend”)? I’ve spent fourteen years of sleepless nights gnashing my teeth over this and plotting revenge. I think I’m entitled to at least several million dollars.

Still Hating Her With the Intensity of a Thousand White-Hot Suns
Viper, KY

Dear Hating,

I am shocked and appalled at this behavior! Not only do you have a case, but I think you should file a class-action lawsuit as I am sure that everyone who so much as reads your harrowing tale of abuse will suffer untold (and compensable) pain, suffering, emotional distress, loss of consortium, economic loss, permanent injury, and disability. As have I--count me in! (Oooooh, and let’s not forget punitive damages! Ka-ching!)

Population Control

Dear Indigna,

This morning I read an article about some scientist (Eric Pianka) that advocates eliminating 90% of the world’s population with airborne Ebola virus to solve the problems of overpopulation, food supply and dependence on foreign oil. I can’t even get my mind around this. The guy got a standing ovation and an award at the Texas Academy of Sciences for this crap! Is this a sign of the Apocalypse?

Stunned and Shocked
Beaumont, TX

Dear Stunned,

Breathe into a paper bag. Breathe. All right.

First of all, let’s not be too hasty. Perhaps his idea has some merit. I mean, aren’t some countries just asking for it? Like, say, the French. They’re all high and mighty about their “language,” their “culture,” their “fries” and “toast.” Now, wouldn’t you like to own a villa in the South of France on the cheap? Think about it.

And those Swiss! They live on some of the most primo real estate on the planet but they make it almost impossible for foreigners to emigrate! Well, perhaps Professor Pianka has solved that problem.

Finally, consider the issue of foreign governments that we don’t like. Why send in our troops and suffer casualties? If we want their oil, we can just have it, thanks to “Dr. Doom’s” patented “population control device”! What’s not to like?

Suspicion Season

Dear Indigna,

My new neighbor, who has only boys, just asked me for the birthdates of my girls. Should I give her this information?

Suspicious Neighbor
Poughkeepskie, NY

Dear Suspicious,

Clearly, her boars are in rut. She’s probably trying to find out if your girls have reached maturity and are in season. It seems obvious that she’s looking for suitable bitches to mate with her boys. Congratulations, it sounds like your girls made the cut!

Photos Don't Lie

Dear Indigna,

Remember that firefight over in Iraq where we said the target was a terrorist hideout and the other guys said it was a mosque? This week Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld showed some pictures of weapons that he said were stored at the location in question to “prove” that it had been a weapons cache after all. Are those pix for real? Should we believe Rummy?

?????????
Heartland, KS

Dear ????????,

First of all, you should unwaveringly believe with all the conviction of your soul every word uttered by our government, or else you want the terrorists to win! I hope I won’t have to report you to the NSA!

That said, of course those pix are for real! Pictures don’t lie, haven’t you heard that? And they make for some mighty handy evidence, let me tell you. For example, Howard Kaloogian, a Republican congressional candidate running for Randy Cunningham’s vacated seat in the San Diego area, posted on his website a photo of a peaceful intersection crowded with happy, healthy shoppers that proves definitively that the streets of Baghdad are perfectly safe and life is totally normal for those folks. Sure, a group of bloggers (clearly a terrorist sleeper cell) “proved” that the photo actually depicted an intersection in Istanbul, Turkey, but that doesn’t invalidate the congressman-to-be’s point!

Photos can even serve to get you goods and services at no cost. For example, my neighbor had this big tree that kept dropping leaves and pollen and pine cones and stuff into my yard, but he wouldn’t trim it because he’s a communist. Here’s a copy of the photo I sent to the feds of him burying a suitcase nuke under that tree so that they would come and remove it for me, free of charge!


Even I have benefited from photographic evidence. I totally changed the dynamics of my divorce when I sent these photos of weapons of mass destruction that I found in my (now ex-) husband’s garage! Of course, he shipped them to Syria just before the cops arrived.

Teach Your Children Well

Dear Indigna,

Some of the parents at our high school allow their children to drink in their home. They figure the kids are going to get drunk anyhow, they might as well do it in safety where they won’t be tempted to drive. I think this is just terrible parenting, don’t you?

Disgusted
Bend, OR

Dear Self-Righteous Bitch,

Get off your freaking high horse already. Like you never drove on ‘shrooms. Not only should parents allow kids to drink in the home, but they should introduce them to other intoxicants as well. At least, if they’re shooting up in the bathroom, you can ensure a supply of clean needles. It’s also a parent’s duty to teach kids how to cook up meth safely. And every kid needs to learn how to construct a variety of bongs before they go to college, and unless you want them to learn on the street, where they might get bad or even incorrect information from their peers, it’s up to you to have that discussion with your kids. I fondly remember many wasted weekends with my own kids, drinking, smoking, dropping acid, just hanging out. At least, I think I remember these things; I was doing a lot of hallucinogens in those days. These memories are precious to me, as my kids are now scattered all over the country, in Sing Sing, Leavenworth, San Quentin, and a secret underground federal interrogation facility somewhere in the Arizona desert.

He's Gotta Have It

Dear Indigna,

You know this lawyer guy who’s suing eHarmony.com because they won’t give him dates until he’s divorced? Isn’t that unethical?

ABA-Approved
Blue Ball, AR

Dear ABA,

I’ll say! Listen, when you got a woodie, you got a woodie. Even I know that and I’m a woman. Men can’t be expected to tolerate unsatisfied desires because it gives them “blue balls,”a debilitating condition that I first learned about way back in high school! The guy won’t be divorced for two whole months. Can you hold your breath that long? Well, this guy can’t sustain his hard-on that long either. He needs vast quantities of casual, no-strings, filthy, meaningless, kinky sex right now and there are only a finite number of other dating websites out there. At the very least, eHarmony.com owes him a settlement that will allow him to hire first-class escort services until his divorce is final and he can begin trolling for his next ex-wife at eHarmony.com.