WWI

Dear Indigna,

President Bush’s Memorial Day address at Arlington National Cemetery this year included his comparison of Iraq and Afghanistan to Korea, Vietnam and the two World Wars, saying that in each conflict our troops "confront our adversaries abroad so we do not have to face them here at home." Is he for real? Does he really think that North Korea and North Vietnam posed a threat to American soil? Sure, U-boats sank our ships in WWI, but does anyone believe Germany posed an invasion threat?

History Student
Bellevue, WA, Middle School

Dear Student,

Ah, this letter brings me back. I vividly recall “duck and cover” drills in my school in case of sudden and overwhelming Vietnamese invasion. And who can forget the dire specter of North Korean troops swarming up the cliffs and beaches of California, at least in our nightmares? If not for the sacrifices of our troops, we’d all be speaking Koretnamese right now.

The issue of World War I is somewhat more complicated. Many people, even Woodrow Wilson, believed we declared war on Germany over U-boat attacks on our ships. But these many people seem to have forgotten that we got into that conflict after intercepting the so-called “Zimmerman telegram,” which revealed a plot to ally the Germans with Mexico against the U.S. and thus retake Texas, Arizona and New Mexico (California was rejected as a desirable target because "it thinks it's all that"). Of course, the U.S. was outraged and that’s how we got drawn into the conflict, despite the fact that Mexico determined pretty soon that it couldn’t “accommodate a large Anglo population within its borders.”

Now, many people (them again!) are under the impression that WWI ended in 1918, but in fact, isn’t it possible that Mexico just bluffed us? I’m not supposed to be talking about this, but since you asked . . . think about it. Mexico was tempted by Germany to “retake” states that once belonged to it, but it didn’t want a bunch of whiny Anglos cluttering up the place. We all know that Germany was thoroughly crushed in WWI, just like all those high-flying confident macho men on reality shows who end up being voted off at the last minute. But who always wins those games? The guy who flies below the radar!! Like, say . . . Mexico??? Who now has at least 12 million stealth immigrants/potential troops living in the U.S.? And how many millions more who are legal residents, even citizens? What ethnic group is rapidly becoming the majority in the four states in question? Isn’t it possible that President Fox could, without warning, activate this, the most terrible force ever assembled in the history of warfare, and boot all the Anglos out of California, New Mexico, Arizona and Texas? What country can possibly rival the perseverance, patience and subterfuge of Mexico--or shall I say, the next world-dominating empire?

In light of these insights, I have just one question for President Bush: did we really succeed in defeating our WWI enemies abroad, so we wouldn’t have to fight them at home? Well, did we? Was Mexico even a signatory to that “Treaty of Versailles”? Don’t pretend you don’t know what I’m talking about. We saw you putting troops down there.

In conclusion, History Student, the short answers to your questions are, “yes,” “yes,” and “yes.”

Wal-Mart

Dear Indigna,

Wal-Mart is trying to build a gigantic mega-superstore in my hometown. All of the small business owners in downtown know that Wal-Mart will drive them out of business and have banded together to fight the plans, so far to no avail. Do you have any suggestions?

Goliath is Winning
Live Oak, FL

Dear David,

I’m not a Wal-Mart shopper, but I’ve seen them played on TV. Frankly, I’m terrified to go into one of those establishments. I mean, apparently there is some kind of sprite or fairy that flies around indiscriminately changing the prices of things, which are evidently painted on rectangles of some sort of high-shatter material (glass? porcelain?) that are carelessly knocked to the floor when the “entity” wishes to lower the cost of an item. Those splintered “price tiles,” for lack of a better word, must send lethal shards of who-knows-what into the eyes of countless children and elderly patrons on a daily basis! No wonder those stores have eye exam centers right there. Now, correct me if I’m wrong, but doesn’t it seem clear that Wal-Mart is luring customers into their stores with the draw of “low prices,” when the real motive is to secure them as eye-care clients? Perhaps a lawsuit threatening to expose this plot will do the trick. If not, I recommend putting your affairs in order. Hell hath no fury like a pissed-off Wal-Mart.